(light music playing)
Mary Bonnet: A widow's life
isn't nearly as bad as it's made out to be.
(laughing)
The children have adjusted to the loss of their father
far better than expected.
No!
And I find myself growing in ways
I never before thought possible.
(all laughing)
But perhaps widow-dom's most unexpected gift has been
community.
My Henry's only been gone a few weeks.
I feel... I feel...
Happy?
Yes.
Never apologize for that.
We're alive, they're dead.
Now is your time, Ellen.
For if not now, when?
Surviving one's spouse is nature's greatest gift.
(scoffs) Trust me. I mean, just look
how Mary's painting career blossomed.
Mary: I never would've gone through with it
-if it hadn't been for Stede dying-- -Stede: Darling?
I'm home.
(cup rattling)
(classical harpsichord playing)
(snoring)
Mary: While we're fortunate he survived his ordeal,
having Stede back home has been a bit of an adjustment.
(snoring)
(exhales) That was a great night's sleep.
I've forgotten how much I love this bed.
Of course, you haven't really slept
until you've done it on the ocean. (chuckles)
(body thuds)
Still finding my land legs.
Mary: I suppose it's an adjustment
for him as well.
(softly): Fuuuck.
Stede Bonnet: And then, during a treasure hunt
with Blackbeard,
I discovered...
this!
Mary: And, of course, he's full of
colorful tales from his time away.
Do you know what this is?
It's an orange... Petrified.
Which means it's as hard as a rock.
(thumping)
Who would like this. Alma?
I don't want your old food.
Who are you again?
Louis...
No, no. It's perfectly all right.
I'm, uh, I'm your father.
-Isn't Doug my father? -Louis!
Oh.
Who's, uh, who's Doug?
He's my painting instructor.
Oh, ha! Okay.
I'd love to meet him.
(harpsichord playing)
♪ ♪
Izzy: Gentlemen!
Blackbeard is in fine spirits this morning,
and he sends... his regards.
He's still a, a tad under the weather,
but he will be back amongst us soon.
So, he's, he's sick, but doing well... is the news?
Exactly, yes!
And, um, in the meantime,
maybe, you could, you know, polish things,
or, maybe, swab the deck.
We already polished twice today.
Aye, 'n the deck's as swabbed as she gets.
-Aw. -Well, you missed a spot.
Have at it, chaps!
Dismissed!
Not you, Mr. Spriggs.
Blackbeard has requested your services.
So, no matter what you see or hear,
you do not breathe a word under pain of death.
Understood?
-Yeah. -Good.
Fuck off.
You're back.
Looks that way.
What did you do to the room?
Eh, long story.
I, I gave it to Frenchie and Wee John.
But they thought it had bad juju after the raid.
Why'd you give it away?
I, um...
um, I missed you.
Turned the old workshop into a painting studio.
Wow.
How many painters work here?
Mary: Uh, these are all mine.
It's one of my favorites.
Mary: Oh, Stede...
This is Doug.
Doug: Mary's told me so much about you,
I feel like I already know you.
That's funny. I haven't heard much about you.
You're the painting instructor?
Oh, before I forget,
your flyers just came in.
Oh, how nice.
Oh, flyers? For what?
Oh, just a little gathering.
Mary's having a showing of her work in town.
One of the ladies has just loaned me the dress store.
May I?
-Doug: Go ahead. -Yep.
"Paintings by The Widow Bonnet."
(scoffs) Should probably change that.
Not a widow anymore.
Or I might keep it.
I've heard it adds an air of mystery.
Yeah.
(knocks on door)
Um...
Hello?
Blackbeard, sir.
I, um...
I heard you need some assistance.
-Blackbeard: I'm in here. -Oh god!
I'm in the blanket fort.
The door's the blue cushion.
Charming.
Oh...
Is it safe to have a candle in here, do you think?
Okay, well.
What have you been up to?
Mm, you know, built this fort.
I wrote some lyrics.
I've actually been needing a scribey person to, um, jot them down for me.
Cool. So, yeah. Ready whenever you are.
Okay.
(exhales) "Hanging on... by a thread.
Hanging on."
Then it goes, "Shouldn't let go.
"If I let go, all will fall.
"Fingers bleeding down to the bone now.
"Can't let go. Nothing makes sense.
"Hold on.
Hold on. Hold... on."
You hate it, don't you?
My god, hate is such a strong, a-and wrong, word.
But I'm wondering, um, what's happening in the song?
Why are you hanging on?
No, it's not about me.
-Yeah, it's someone else holding on. -Yeah?
Someone entirely fictional.
And this fictional character...
he's having a hard time?
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe it's best he just...
lets go.
Do you mean just curl up into a ball and die?
What if it's not a death?
What if life just...
begins again?
(light music playing)
♪ ♪
How was your day, Edward?
♪ ♪
(Mary and Doug laughing)
-Mary: Oh, oh, oh! -Doug: You like that?
-Mary: Oh! Oh! -Doug: Oh god.
-(Mary moaning) -(bed creaking)
(clears throat)
(Stede clears throat)
So... you came in rather late last night.
Mary: Hm?
Yes.
Anything you want to, uh, tell me?
Say... about Doug?
No, actually, but I will say this.
You're home. Fine.
We're married. All right!
We made a contract in front of God
and I am bound to honor that.
But in your absence,
I have managed to create a life that I quite like,
and I won't destroy that life just because you've decided to
un-abandon your family on a whim.
Well...
I object to the word "whim."
The showing's at six.
I won't be home for dinner.
Do you even want me to attend?
(door opens)
(door closes)
-So, we're havin' a thing on-- -(both shouting)
Oh god, I'm so sorry!
-There's a sock on the door! -Are you a freakin' idiot?!
I don't know what that means!
Um, we're having a thing on deck
-for Captain. -Get out!
-Sorry. -Jim: Close the door!
(Jim speaks Spanish)
Lucius: Hey, Jim. Glad you're back.
(laughing)
♪ Just let go ♪
♪ Make yourself let go ♪
♪ Make it go away ♪
♪ Away, away today ♪
♪ Life's a hard sad death ♪
♪ And then you're ♪
(falsetto): ♪ Deaaad ♪
(holding note)
(note ends)
(applause)
-That's, uh, really great stuff, Ed. -Wow.
His name is Blackbeard or Captain!
Izzy, no, Izzy.
Actually, I do want to be called Edward from now on.
And thank you, you guys. It's pretty difficult to lay yourself bare
-in front of others, you know? -Roach: Yeah, yeah, no.
-It was super v-visceral. -Way visceral, agree.
-Oluwande: It was vibes. -Blackbeard: Wow.
Okay, well, if any of you guys
wanna express yourselves in the same way that
I just did with my song,
I'm sure that Lucius would be more than happy to
write down your lyrics.
Ay, but my genius won't be translated into human language.
More like pure tone.
Like, eh...
♪ Ohh ♪
(holding note)
That was fucking amazing.
Guys, the sheer level of talent we have on this ship!
Why are we even being pirates?
(all agreeing)
You know what? We should have a talent show.
-(gasping) -(excited murmurs)
Black Pete: I can do accents. Does that count as a talent?
♪ Ohh ♪
Evelyn Higgins: Just right there. Try it.
-Hm. -Like that?
Mm-hm.
I hate to say it, but it would've been
so much better if he'd really died.
I can make that happen. Just let me know.
I'm sorry?
Remember, my Marcus was the undertaker.
He was so lazy,
he would report every death
as natural causes.
Murder's a natural cause.
Yes, well...
I don't think we're quite at that stage... yet.
(sucks teeth) Situations evolve.
(Evelyn clears throat)
Cheers to you, my good man.
Ooh, that is delish.
Reminds me of the ale I drank on my ship, "The Revenge."
Stede Bonnet?
It's Jeffrey! Fettering!
We went to elementary school together.
Jeffrey, nice to see you.
I heard the most insane rumor.
Now, forgive me,
but... were you a pirate recently?
-Go ahead. Laugh it up. -Laugh?
No, I wish I had one-tenth of your guts.
Becoming a pirate? At our age?
I just... ride my stupid horse to the store now and again.
Half the time, it has diarrhea.
Guys, it's him! It's The Gentleman Pirate!
(all cheer)
And there I was, in a duel with Izzy Hands,
Blackbeard's right-hand man.
What is Blackbeard like?
Is he as bloodthirsty as everyone says?
He's absolutely lovely.
(disappointed murmurs)
Oh, and, of course, a bloodthirsty killer.
I mean, born of the Devil and all that.
I, I don't really like talking about him.
So, if there's any other questions.
Yeah. You ever kill a man?
Well, death is, of course,
an unavoidable part of, uh, the pirate lifestyle.
(crew yells)
(screaming)
(chuckles) This guy never killed anyone.
(tense music playing)
I've seen death.
I've been the cause of death.
It changes you...
forever.
(softly): Awesome.
-Get this man another beer. -(all cheering)
To Captain Stede!
Well, feels nice to tidy up a little.
Can't believe I was living like this. Can you, Iz?
Izzy?
-I'm gonna speak plainly. -Wonderful.
You know we share our thoughts on this ship.
I should've let the English kill you.
This, whatever it is that you've become...
is a fate worse than death.
Well...
-I am still Blackbeard, so. -No.
This, this... is Blackbeard.
Not some namby-pamby
in a silk gown pining for his boyfriend.
Choose your next words wisely, dog.
(choking)
There he is.
Blackbeard is my captain.
I serve Blackbeard.
Not Edward.
Edward better watch his fuckin' step.
(opens door)
(closes door)
Frenchie: Hey, Eddie, give us another song!
Crew (chanting): Edward! Edward! Edward!
(indistinct chatter)
-It's going swimmingly. -Is it? I can't tell.
I keep thinking I hear people chattering about Stede.
Oh, well, the only thing I hear people chattering about
is your expressive brushwork.
Evening, all!
'Tis I...
The Widow Bonnet's undead groom.
(gasps, murmurs)
Which means she's not really "The Widow Bonnet," is she?
And if her husband gave up the sea,
surely, she should... give up the dishonest title?
Even though she hates my guts.
-Which is her right. -Hey.
-Ooh! -(Mary gasps)
Unhand me or bleed.
(Doug breathing heavily)
Oh.
God. Doug?
Clearly, I've had too much to drink.
And for that, I am sorry.
Being home's been quite an adjustment...
for both of us.
I forgive you, by the way...
for sleeping with Doug.
Murder's a natural cause.
(Evelyn clears throat)
(tense music playing)
♪ ♪
(snoring)
♪ ♪
(both screaming)
You were going to stab me!
-I was. -In the earhole!
-With a skewer! -Yeah... I was.
Why not just smother me with a pillow? Or use a gun?
A pillow seemed too tricky and a gun would wake the kids.
I thought about poison or pushing you off a cliff,
but I, I really wanted to get it done tonight,
and I didn't want you to suffer.
What, while you murdered me?!
Well, it's not that much more dramatic
than running off to become a pirate, is it?
(sighs) Well, that's true, I suppose.
We just can't seem to stop hurting each other, can we?
I don't fit here anymore, do I?
You've got your life, your art.
Doug.
I am sorry about Doug.
Nah, don't be.
He's actually wonderful.
Yeah, he's the best.
How does it feel... to be in love?
It feels... easy.
It's just like breathing.
He understands my idiosyncrasies.
-And all of this is yours? -I'm afraid so.
Mary: Finds them charming, even.
Fab!
(light music playing)
Mary: We expose each other to new things, new ideas.
Next one goes through your fuckin' eyeball!
Mary: And we laugh a lot.
Ah! Ooh!
We just pass the time so well.
I'd call those things love.
♪ ♪
I hope you find that.
-I think I have. -Really?
What's her name?
Ed.
His name is Ed.
(melancholy music playing)
♪ ♪
Here, look.
Look at that.
You wear fine things well.
♪ ♪
-(door opens) -Lucius: Oh, there you are.
We've been looking for you everywhere.
Okay, so, we've been visualizing the talent show.
You're gonna love what we've come up with.
Ed?
Is everythin' all right?
(yells)
("Avalanche" by Leonard Cohen playing)
Lucius: Help me! No, no, please!
No! Please!
♪ Well I stepped into an avalanche ♪
♪ It covered up my soul ♪
♪ When I am not this hunchback that you see ♪
I am the Kraken.
♪ I sleep beneath the golden hill ♪
♪ You who wish to conquer pain ♪
- ♪ You must learn, learn to serve me well ♪ -(screams)
Stop crying. It's just the pinky.
Come on. Open up.
Open your fuckin' mouth now!
Eat up. That's it. Don't forget to chew.
Threaten me again, ever...
I'll feed you the rest.
-Understand? -Y-Yes, Blackbeard.
Okay. Clean yourself up and come find me.
Much work to do.
Sh-Sh-Shall I summon the boy to take notes?
Don't bother. He's dead.
♪ You who wish to conquer pain ♪
♪ You must learn what makes me kind ♪
Izzy: That's right. Quickly now!
♪ The crumbs of love that you offer me ♪
♪ They're the crumbs I've left behind ♪
Ivan!
Why isn't this finished yet?
-It's a lot of books, Izzy. -Work faster!
He wants no trace of Stede's old dross.
Hey, boss, what happened to your foot?
Blackbeard is himself again.
Quicker!
(softly): Mary... Mary.
Hey.
It's late. You've slept in.
Did you make me breakfast in bed?
Uh, no, that was Doug.
-Oh! -Hello, love.
-Thanks. -(Doug chuckles)
Hey, we've been talking
-and I think I've solved it. -Solved what?
Well, solved might be an overstatement.
Everything. Our marriage, my return,
our newfound loves.
There's just one hitch.
We need a corpse.
-Mary: I see. -This needs to really sell.
They have to believe this without a shadow of a doubt.
Besides, everyone's had a go at killing me but me.
I'd like a shot.
And you're sure you wanna renounce all claim
to your family's wealth? You don't want anything?
Not a cent.
Morning, Evelyn. I have a bit of an exotic request.
Want him to die fast or slow? Or is it already done?
-Uh, no-- -I'm still here. Morning.
-Ah. -It's all right, Evvy. He knows.
You know you're killing her, right?
-We've discussed it. -It's fine. We've-- Yeah, we've talked about it.
Look, I'm really, really trying to fix this.
Any help you can give would be great.
What do you need?
Do you have any, uh, extra...
cor-corpses?
Perhaps, something in his size?
Ah, that's my son's department. I'll check.
Melvin! Company!
(deep purring)
Oh, that's just my kitten, Ned.
-Would Ned be available this afternoon? -Why do we need Ned?
Trust me. I've got an idea.
Gentlemen! Let's make this special.
Edward is expecting a wonderful talent show.
Why couldn't we just do it on the ship?
Well, it wouldn't be as special on that
dreary old ship, now would it?
Are, are you sure you couldn't find Lucius?
H-He loves this sort of thing.
He'll turn up.
Ship's not that big.
Tell Edward my special skill is juggling...
I think.
Row.
Where's Jim?
Oh, who knows?
Edward probably wanted to discuss feelings or something.
They'll be along shortly.
-Be safe out there, Dizzy Izzy. -Bye!
See you later.
Blackbeard: I've had my eye on you, Jim.
You're quite the specimen.
You'd like to join my crew?
Aren't I already on your crew?
Mm-mm. No, uh, I'm talking about my new crew.
-Fuck's wrong with your face? -I'll take that as a yes.
(Jim grunts)
Next!
Hey, Iz said you wanted to... see me.
Yes. I heard you can sew.
Yep.
Sew like the wind.
(all cackling)
So, you won't really be dead?
No, it's all make-believe.
Like, like a play.
Exactly. Just like a play.
I'm sorry it's come to this.
We've decided this is just the best way
to resolve the mess I've made.
I know. Mother told me.
I think it's pretty sick, actually...
in a good way.
I mean, Mom was much happier when you were gone.
Yeah.
Oh, is this the orange?
I figured if I split it in half,
then you could keep one and I could keep the other.
That's perfect.
Doug: Here's the pig's blood you requested.
-Oh. -And everything in town's ready to go.
Are you sure you're gonna be all right?
Yeah. I think we'll all be great.
(Doug chuckles)
(lively music playing)
How the hell we gettin' this in that window?
That's not our problem. They just paid us to hoist it halfway.
-Doug: Take a look. -Oh my.
-Well, this can't be good. -Doug: Oh no. (chuckles)
It's very dangerous and, uh, feral.
-So, let's keep our eyes peeled in case it shows up, right? -Yeah, yeah.
Everyone, thanks so much for helping me pack up my showing.
Stede: Hello, all!
As I'm sure you know, I, I made a complete ass of myself last night.
And so, I would like to publicly apologize...
to my patient, lovely wife.
I am sorry.
-Stede, look out! -(Ned growling)
-There's a jungle cat! -Doug: The jungle cat!
-(crowd gasping) -(growling)
-Mary: Stede! -(growling)
Stay where you are, my love!
I'll handle this!
Who likes chicken?
(crowd gasping)
(screams)
Look, it's a real snake.
(The Swede murmuring)
Does it feel like they're taking an awful long time to come back?
Yeah...
Plus, it looks like they're leavin'.
Farewell, Bonnet's playthings.
Pirates: Hey... Hey!
On to the next.
(crowd gasps)
-(loud banging) -Oh no.
(mock screaming)
Stop it!
-Oh! Oh! -(Stede yelling)
Ooh, there goes my arm!
-Oh my god. -Fight it, Stede. Fight it.
Ohh!
You're a real pro, Ned.
It's been an honor.
(crowd gasping)
He's alive!
-Crowd: Ohh! -Oh!
I'm fine! It's not the creature's fault.
I managed to calm him in the end.
He was more scared of me than I was of him.
-(horse neighs) -Stede, look out!
Ahh!
-(Stede yells) -(horse neighs)
-(gasping) -No!
(all coughing)
Is he all right?
-Oh! -Oh!
He may have survived that.
(all screaming)
Jeffrey: No!
(dramatic music playing)
Now that's a fuckery.
♪ ♪
("Miles From Nowhere" by Cat Stevens playing)
♪ Miles from nowhere ♪
♪ Guess I'll take my time ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ To reach there ♪
He kept it to himself, but Stede had been quite ill.
So, in some ways, it's a blessing.
This is how Stede would've wanted to go.
To Stede Bonnet.
Complicated, hard-headed.
Really quite irritating at times...
♪ Been a good friend ♪
Mary: ...and now free.
Long may he roam.
♪ When I reach the end ♪
♪ Miles from nowhere ♪
♪ I guess I'll take my time ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ To reach there ♪
♪ I creep through the valleys ♪
♪ And I grope through the woods ♪
♪ 'Cause I know when I find it, my honey ♪
♪ It's gonna make me feel good ♪
♪ Yes, I love everything ♪
♪ So, don't it make you feel sad ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll drink to you, my baby ♪
♪ I'll think to that ♪
-(crying) -♪ I'll think to that ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Miles from nowhere ♪
♪ Not a soul in sight ♪
♪ Oh yeah, but it's all right ♪
♪ I have my freedom ♪
♪ I can make my own rules, oh yeah ♪
♪ The ones that I choose ♪
♪ Lord, my body ♪
♪ Has been a good friend ♪
- ♪ But I won't need it ♪ -(The Swede yells)
-(yelling) -♪ When I reach the end ♪
(shouting)
Oh, fuck me.
♪ I love everything ♪
♪ So, don't it make you feel sad ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll drink to you, my baby ♪
♪ I'll think to that, yes, I'll think to that ♪
♪ I'll think to that ♪
♪ Miles from nowhere ♪
♪ Guess I'll take my time ♪
♪ Oh yeah, to reach there ♪
♪ Look up at the mountain ♪
♪ I have to climb, oh yeah ♪
♪ To reach there ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ To reach there ♪